I FOUND MY MOTHER'S SUICIDE NOTE

By Ella B. Winters

in her nightstand, five years to the day

after we arrived on strange soil.

Written out in neat Cyrillic letters

on the back of an unpaid bill,

it was full of words I’d rarely heard

spoken like forgive me,

and contained instruction for her funeral.

She wanted to be buried

in the white dress she’d brought home

some weeks before. I tried it on

whenever she went out, floating

down the halls with strips of chiffon

trailing behind me. My mother never knew

I'd seen the note. I thought

of it every time I saw her

wear that ghostly dress, waiting for her

to dissolve into thin air, always

wondering at what point she decided

to live.

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