HOW TO BE SEXY AT 55

By Gabrielle Munslow

First, apologise

for still having a body.

Then moisturise it

like a crime scene.

Cover yourself

in eau de vie

or desperation—

whichever was on sale.

Smear peanut butter

on your nether regions.

Someone on the internet

swears by it.

Baptise your face

in the fountain of youth—

or Botox

if the fountain’s closed.

Hold very still.

Desire prefers

a smooth surface.

Meanwhile

your actual life—

messy, breathing, glorious—

waits impatiently

offstage

while you negotiate

with gravity.

#DarkPoetsClub #DarkHumourBitterIrony