MY HEART RETURNED TO PEACE

By Cemile Kabadayi

To the thug, the creep, the criminal

You who has to sneak in the shadows of night,

Your life of deceit is subliminal, yet you’re the only one who cannot see it.

Even when your lies are cast into the light, still you fight.

Manipulation and coercion without shame, to achieve your own personal gain,

This became my harrowing pain, melancholic misery, your actions were to blame.

The issue of consent is clear, no means no, but somehow you chose not to hear.

Your need to satisfy yourself has cost me my dignity, my job and my spiritual health.

Created emotional wounds visible for the world to see, gaping and raw, swallowed by a whirlwind of anxiety.

I am grateful you were not violent, if not only because the sheer shock caused my silent compliance.

Initially overcome with confusion, an unsettling feeling pushed aside as I fall victim to insidious manipulation.

Sadly I was blinded by delusion, a deceptive illusion of who I hoped you’d be,

The hideous man you are wasn’t evident to me, distracted by my own helplessness, It’s clear now why I wasn’t able to see.

But slowly you revealed yourself to me, a monster, challenged mentally, a liar lacking empathy.

The police confirmed your multiple criminal convictions, they already have you marked as high risk on their systems. Flooded with anger and insomnia, engulfed by mountainous waves of horror, I submerged in self pity.

I did request however, for the police not to make an arrest. I’m still not so sure this was best, But my heart needed to rest,

Involving the police certainly wouldn’t increase my sense internal peace, their endless questions followed by your relentless lies. Justice or peace, my heart had to decide.

Then it was your mum whom I wished I could tell, perhaps your ex wife even more so,

The man you truly are they deserved to know, desperately seeking a way to let this pain go.

But thankfully the pain is no more, my heart returned to peace, the wound no longer sore.

Now I am able to forgive you and wish you well, for you are just mentally unwell,

I extend compassion and loving kindness in hope that one day you will see through your nastiness and surrender your ego based righteousness.

I however, have survived this dark phase and have nothing other than gratitude and praise

For endless value arises from that brief encounter, an unexpected elevation in spiritual power.

I embrace my suffering, knowing that flowers don’t grow without rain.

Self-reflection inspired by my pain, pain which drove me insane, yet showed me that something needed to change.

Paradoxically my loss of dignity has lead to greater clarity.

Paradoxically I chose to be powerful, not pitiful, creating victory out of tragedy,

Paradoxically your trickery helped me to look inside, to where my own deceptions hide.

Internal fears, tainted values and silly ideas. I have let go of all of this.

I no longer need a man’s flattery, no longer burdened by this type of insecurity.

No longer do I fear rejection, that was nothing but a mere projection

I no longer need male validation, no longer time wasting seeking and chasing

I have stopped running and hiding, it’s myself I have started facing.

I am able to transcend my story. My past, my pain no longer has power over me. I am free.

God sent you to me to help me see, that all I need is within me, I just need to love me to be free.


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