I FED THE MONSTER

By Eve Parkin

There’s a growing cradle in my womb where a monster

Sprawls.

Like I’m pregnant. Heavy and needy.

When it first kicked,

An angry assertion of a gluttonous appetite,

I warned myself:

“Do not feed this monster. Do not let it grow”

There’s nothing more appealing

Than violating my own boundaries.

Tempted by disorder,

I welcomed this monster gaining weight,

Settling in my cervix like a stone,

Absorbing my nutrients to mould its nest.

My own cells, baby powder.

It was perversely comforting,

Conceiving this intangible power

Capable of butchering my body.

I was strong enough to create,

Weak enough to comply.

Constructing through self-destruction.

All under control,

These embryonic cells; an extension of me

Until they began dividing frantically.

Fabricating this unfamiliar fetus,

Tugging at its umbilical cord like a bell pull.

Clusters of estranged cells have formed this embryo,

This monster that was once recognisable.

I want to recognise it again,

To reclaim it.

So I keep feeding.

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