By Erebus
I look up the stairs and I remember that face.
That smiling face ever so friendly.
I was alone, I wanted to play.
I climbed up the stairs years ago.
Into his clutches, into his crutches, I thought he was old.
For who else would envy my youth and my innocent smile?
Who else would scorn upon my resistance to his guile.
And his advances and his gaze, fear trembling down my face.
He told me how bold I was to go through the set rules.
And I should bite my lips with teeth while he rapes me beneath.
My legs shuddered under his weight; with my nails I dug my grave.
He held my hands in a cross and made his act holy.
Once the lust had died, he caressed me, asked for my forgiveness
He would give me some sweets, smile at me, and then he would flee.
All summer it was so that the sun didn't burn as much,
For the dry wood on the bedside felt hotter to my touch.
Sometimes I would get a cake.
But most of all love seemed fake.
What a gentleman, he would apologize and wash his hands clean.
And begone before I opened my eyes which were burdened by his shame.
Come back surely, he would not for some more but a lore,
He was lonely and unloved in life.
I was his only friend; I was his confidant.
A friend in need he said indeed, a friend party to his every deed.
In loneliness I speak to my abuser-
“Many a times you knocked at our door.
I would run to open it.
You were a friend, a smiling, warm person, you would bring me candies.
I remember we were playing chess one day in my room upstairs.
You moved your pieces that day, I was caught unawares.
I faintly remember how it happened.
All I remember is your scent, your grunts.
Your touch and your threat, and your delirious sweat.
You put me face down on that wooden bed that my mom would make for me.
You crushed my innocence in the safest place I knew.
Did I like it? I used to think yes, I was a child, it was new.
It did hurt after you left,
But so did the teacher's cane, my father’s disdain, the sun in my face, my mother's gaze.
Oh! Good for nothing.
Oh! Why don't you act your age?
Oh! March in a line.
Oh! Stop expressing, it's fine.
And then your lovely smile, your warm touch, some candies, and fudge.
And a massage, and then the barrage.
I was confused, how could I be abused!
I talked to no one like you said but it felt so unnatural.
"Are you fine?" was just a phrase.
"All well, thanks." was just a maze.
And in the mirror, nothing but empty gaze.
I would look at myself with disgust, it almost felt I deserved the rot.
I must have, it was my fault, why was I friendly?
Why was I always so cheerful with everybody?
I was a difficult child or, so I was told by the ones who cared.
My school, my elders, my family, whose authority I never dared.
They knew not why, they never reasoned,
They thought I was unreasonable.
Reason enough to shun and deprive,
Reason enough for my youth to die.
Alone in my mirror I would see a child who climbed up those stairs.
So, climbing up, I told myself was something not meant for me.
I hid, cautious of this evil world, every step I knew was a trap.
And all my life was a scary moment, the choice was not to be.
In corners I slithered in shades I stood for somewhere lurked a monster.
If in the light I would walk, my shadow would show itself bare,
Make me question what If he was somewhere nearby!
I cut myself a few times to see what pain it would bring,
Not too painful I thought when my body would bleed.
Now and then some smoke I blew.
Now and then some drugs I used.
Normalize this childhood event of being Habitually Abused.